Cómo ayudar a hijos con soledad en el campus: 7 consejos útiles

Author: Wang Kui

When mentioning loneliness, people often think of the elderly.

However, loneliness is not exclusive to the elderly; it is also common among high school students. If we understand loneliness merely as 'having no one around,' then adolescents should not feel lonely, as they are constantly surrounded by classmates from the first to the last class. However, the generation of loneliness is not solely dependent on the quantity of social relationships, but is more related to the quality of these interactions. When the depth of social relationships does not meet internal expectations, loneliness begins to occur silently. As an adult, you may have also experienced moments like this: surrounded by people at a large table, amidst considerable noise, but still feeling alone. This moment could help you understand the adolescent experience.

Loneliness among adolescents is due to multiple factors, including both the pressure of an objective environment and the subtle influence of subjective psychology.

Firstly, the excessively competitive academic environment generates both anxiety and loneliness. Schools inevitably prioritize grades, but when this focus is taken to the extreme, learning becomes a ruthless competition. Grades and rankings are considered 'strong currency,' becoming the only standard for measuring personal value. This atmosphere has led to widespread loneliness: children with low grades cannot see their own worth, while those who achieve good grades are constantly worried about whether their 'advantage' can be maintained. Classmates, even good friends, unknowingly become potential rivals, competing secretly with each other, which transforms what should be a supportive youth into a distant and lonely experience.

Moreover, exaggerating one's weaknesses and considering perfection to be 'normal' also hinders adolescents' social lives. Adolescence is often the most sensitive period for a person, during which self-esteem tends to be lower, making it difficult to recognize one's own worth. Once they identify flaws or shortcomings, they may cling to them and magnify their worries in their minds, even fearing to become the object of ridicule. They often tend to see the world in black and white; a single imperfection can translate into a total failure. This mindset, which considers perfection to be 'normal,' leads them to self-deprecation and to think that others will not accept them, preventing them from proactively approaching others.

Thirdly, the awakening of self-awareness during adolescence can intensify conflicts with parents. As they enter adolescence, the most important task for young people is to explore 'who am I.' In this process, they pay more attention to their peers' opinions, naturally diminishing the influence of their parents. Adolescents desire to have control over their own lives, while some parents, unwilling to gradually step back, attempt to guide their children back to the old trajectory, which inevitably generates conflicts. At the same time, young people often judge their parents by 'perfect' standards, discovering that they do not meet expectations in various aspects. This situation of 'mutual displeasure' can easily trigger tensions between parents and children. Adolescents who feel that they are neither understood nor supported by their parents also tend to experience a greater sense of loneliness.

Finally, there is a lack of time for socializing and a dearth of real face-to-face interactions. The lives of contemporary high school students are filled with heavy academic burdens, making it challenging to even secure eight hours of sleep. Most of their time and energy is devoted to studies, and the little free time they have is often consumed by screens. Previously, adolescents would leave school in groups, chasing and laughing together on the way home, releasing their emotions through this type of natural interaction. However, today, many young people are driven by their parents; even when walking together, they often focus on their phone screens. The lack of real face-to-face interactions deprives them of the opportunity to learn how to navigate their interpersonal relationships, and adolescents are more likely to feel socially frustrated, opting for a more isolated lifestyle. On the surface, mobile phones offer convenient socialization channels, but numerous studies have shown that the more social media is used, the more loneliness is tended to be felt. Adolescents not only lack playmates but have also lost the ability to establish deep relationships in the real world; a skill that should be the strongest defense against adolescent loneliness.

For parents of adolescents, attitude is especially important. They must be aware of stepping back and understanding what actions to take and which to avoid. If parents can show a posture of equality, respect, and understanding, adolescents will feel treated as 'adults.' In situations requiring discipline, it is fundamental not to raise their voices or resort to insults. First, they need to calm down, sit down, and talk to the child, allowing them to express themselves without interruption, listening patiently, and then calmly sharing their own thoughts. This does not imply being submissive but rather teaching children how to respect others.

Learning is already a significant source of pressure in adolescents' lives, and for most children, this pressure is heavy enough without parents needing to increase it. When communicating with children, it is advisable to avoid always revolving around 'learning' and not to be too insistent on asking about grades. Otherwise, parents will soon realize that children are unwilling to talk much. If they have time, it would be good to take them for walks outdoors. The impact of mobile phones on adolescents is a topic that deserves deeper analysis. It is important to note that Australia has already limited social media use for those under 16 years old. This practice could extend to more countries. Moreover, it is fundamental to support young people in their face-to-face interactions with peers and to foster mutual support among classmates and friends.

Parents should also help adolescents discover their own talents and not hesitate to praise them. One of the experiences in consulting with adolescents is that if parents cannot find their children's virtues, it is very likely that young people will also maintain a negative attitude towards themselves. Failing to recognize their own worth inevitably leads them to self-criticism and traps them in a cycle of 'self-sabotage.'

(The author holds a Ph.D. in psychology, is a researcher at the China Association for Science and Technology, and is a level two psychological counselor; their work unit is the Institute of Psychological Research of the Chinese Academy of Sciences.)